Funniest Posts You've Seen Written By Brewers

Post #1 made 11 years ago
If you find a post excelling in humour in or or in any other forum that has been written about brewing by a brewer, please link them here. (Always provide the original link and some context where necessary.)

Feel free to comment on what people link here. From time to time, we will delete comments so as new readers can enjoy what will mainly be, a collection of great links.

This is a thread that I'll be subscribing* to for sure - there are some funny brewers out there!


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Post #2 made 10 years ago
The following comes from a thread on weighing grain on AussieHomeBrewer.

Original Source: Here
I just use the dodgy bathroom scales. I weigh myself before, write down my weight and then go downstairs, grab the malt, which I have put into a bucket, half full by eye, maybe have a drink or something to eat, go back upstairs and stand on the scales with the bucket balanced on my head (so I dont throw of the balance). I then write down my new weight and subtract the old weight from this, this gives me the weight of the grain. I repeat this process 5 or 6 times till I get the required quantity.
I have found this method much better than my previous one. I only had envelope scales that measured upto 50g, so I would weigh out 50g of malt, then spread it all out on some graph paper so that no grains were stacked (so the thickness was 1 grain thick) and count the number of squares that 50g of malt took up. Once I knew the area that 50g took up I could multiply out by my required quantity. I found that my driveway was the only area large enough to spread out my 5kg of grain spread to 1 grain thickness, so on it I marked out a 5cm grid (3g accuracy!). It was then a matter of spreading out the malt until enough squares in the grid were filled. It was quite a simple method but I had to find another way because a flock of cockies started hanging out in the trees near the house and would descend on the spread out grain while I was carefully eyeing along the ground to make sure the layer was only one grain thick. So I started doing it at night, but the cockies still came but they couldnt see in the dark, so now Im missing the top of my left ear and my right thumb.
Last edited by PistolPatch on 17 Apr 2010, 11:02, edited 18 times in total.
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Post #3 made 10 years ago
:lol: I might have to give that method a go since I still haven't recieved me scales I ordered 4 weeks ago.(I wonder if it will work for hops) :lol:
[center]"All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."

[center]Homer Simpson[/center]
[center]K.I.S.S., B.I.A.B.[/center]

Post #4 made 10 years ago
Guy on the AHB forum had a priceless sig, referring to the fact that he had re-used a PET beer bottle since 2005 "I now have enough environmental cred to enable me to eat a spit-roast baby seal"

Post #5 made 10 years ago
LOL Beachbum :lol:

From his post here, I think BobtheBrewer might enjoy the following PM I received from Screwtop on the AHB forum...
Love hearing about other brewers brew days. The morning I did my first AG I must have been kissed on the bum by an angel. Here was this know-nothing in the shed making AG beer with nothing more than a brew sheet from beersmith and the luxury of having watched the Basic Brewing "Stepping Up To All Grain Brewing" DVD. Boil X litres of water. Pour into mash tun add grain for mash temp of X deg C. Yeah, Yeah, follow the instructions, boil wort, should have 23 litres in fermenter at 1047. Yeah, Yeah, got 23 litres at 1047 hit 75% brewhouse efficiency, Piece Of Piss this game really, can't see what all the fuss is about.

The next brew was to be a masterpiece, as I knew everything. All I had to do was tweak a recipe. This time I would design my own mash schedule, I'm f*cking clever! Gathered all the grain, nothing simple this time, specialty malts and adjuncts. Milled the grain, all going to plan. Think I'll drop the water to grain ratio to 2L per Kg for this one, just rework the mash schedule, I'v got a computer program to do that for me, it's f*cking clever. The rest of the day turned to shit really, missed target temps added too much boiling water, couldn't add enough boiling water to reach mash out as the volume was too high in the tun. Everything going wrong, STRESSSSSSSSS, find something to f*cking smash! Forgot the HLT water and switched it off at 98 C. HATE THIS F*CKING ALL GRAIN!!!! Got 31.5L in the Boiler for a target of 29.5 GOING RIGHT OFF THIS HOBBY!!!!! only managed 10% evaporation this time, first time was 15%. Remembered the hops additions and the whirlfloc tablet, got too much beer with a low AG. F*ck! What Went Wrong? I have a f*cking computer program AND experience!

The third AG was when I started thinking about the process, finally, nobody mentioned that - wasn't anywhere in Beersmith.

Now I find brewdays calming. Am really enjoying the whole process. Think I enjoy making it more that drinking it (who said that), just running out of places to put all this fermenting wort.

On, On, Brew, Brew. You have f*ck-ups to make! See if you can catch up to me.

Don't know why I wrote all this crap really, but I felt better afterwards.

Last edited by PistolPatch on 30 Nov 2010, 19:38, edited 18 times in total.
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Post #6 made 10 years ago
Just come across this on Jim's site. I'm too scared to read the whole thread :shock:
Speaking of 'Ouch'; I had my d~#k pierced. One where the ring goes in through the japs eye and out through the bottom. Little silver ball pinches in between the two ends.

Well; That little ball can ever so easily fall out. That leaves ye with a sort of metal " C " sticking out of the end of ye dick.

Picture it: Ye on the job. Ball slips off. As ye pulling out or pushing in, one end of that " C " catches in her flesh ..... She gets ripped and as for the end of ye old man? Doesn't bear thinking about!

So, what's a man to do? Ye forget the whole silly isea and take the damn ring / C out.

Yeah, Great move. Then ye spend the rest of ye life down yeself through what's effectively become a secondary and awkwardly positioned p#*s hole!

Always seek the advice of someone's who's been there and done it
Last edited by Yeasty on 31 Jan 2011, 04:18, edited 18 times in total.
Why is everyone talking about "Cheese"
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Post #8 made 10 years ago
A quote from AHB which cracked me up:
"Damn I wish I was younger, why is youth & constant erections wasted on the young."
[center]Give me a beer and I will move the world. Archimedes[/center]

Post #11 made 9 years ago
Lambert started a great thread - Beer and brewing mysteries. Here's yeasty's solution to lambert's question, "Why, when you measure gravity, does a hydrometer ALWAYS stop spinning with the numbers pointing away from you?"
I had this problem with my hydro and came up with a simple solution.

1. Empty your trial jar and dry thoroughly.
2. Clean your hydrometer and also dry thoroughly.
3. Take a small piece of bluetack and roll into a ball.
4. Drop the ball of bluetack into the trial jar.
5. No push your hydro into the bluetack making sure it is well stuck to the bottom and that the numbers are facing you.
6. Now fill the trial jar until the reading on the hydro scale matchs your desired reading.

Not only does this cure the spinning hydro problem it also eliminates any calibration issues and gives you the reading you were expecting.

:shoot: :shoot:

Last edited by PistolPatch on 08 Feb 2012, 09:09, edited 18 times in total.
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Post #12 made 7 years ago
Ever brew a batch of water?

I am curious how much flavor my equipment is lending to the finished beer. Anyone ever try this before? Go right through brew day to kegging. I know tying up a fermentor for a few weeks might not be entirely necessary, but it would be neat to compare the finished water vs. a source water for any off flavors.
This is a novel idea. Anybody want to trade water with ME? :lol:
Last edited by Mad_Scientist on 19 Oct 2013, 08:21, edited 18 times in total.
Brewing with MS;
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Post #14 made 7 years ago
Yeasty wrote::idiot:
How many of us have done that since reading MS's post. That is a pearler!!!!!
Last edited by PistolPatch on 20 Oct 2013, 21:51, edited 18 times in total.
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Post #16 made 7 years ago
Here's one from The HomeBrew Forum....

"Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs this Festive Season to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large kegs. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "Beers," men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "Beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly What happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Home Brew Clubs" in the yellow pages."

I wish I'd known this 25 years ago!
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